If you’re a regular reader of my page (and if you’re not, I’m going to need to see some ID) you know I’m not a big fan of cats. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t have a lot of respect for a creature whose greatest evolutionary achievement has been convincing gullible persons they make good pets. But as insufferable as the little beasts can be there is one creature that is even more obnoxious. I’m speaking of course of:
I have never understood the unholy fascination some people have with the little bastards and there are a couple of reasons why:
Cats are incredibly stupid animals. While your average dog can be taught to lead the blind, detect bombs and even smell cancer (Freaking cancer!!!), a cat’s greatest accomplishment is . . . pooping in a box. And for this they are considered sophisticated by their naive owners. Hell, even I have an 89% success ratio on the porcelain throne, and I have to balance myself on 2 legs! Try doing that, cats. In fact, cats cannot be taught anything at all. But don’t tell that to their owners. Your average cat owner will tell you that THEIR cat will solve quadratic equations when they are not doing the taxes for the home. To hear them tell it, their cat is the feline equivalent of Steve Jobs and Stephen Hawkins rolled into one.
Here is another reason: Cat’s are notoriously useless as guard animals. An intruder could break into your home, tie you and your whole family up and probably make himself a sandwich while browsing your Blue Ray collection without your cat lifting so much as a paw. While any dog would defend you and your home to the death, having a cat as defense would be about as useful as having Lindsey Lohan as your sponsor in a AA meeting. “But Javi”, I hear some of you saying (in a high-pitched whiny voice because that’s how I imagine cat owner’s talk), “what about Chihuahuas? They’re not much bigger than cats? What about them?” Sure, but the thing is, a Chihuahua would bark up a storm if he so much as suspects somebody is breaking into your neighbors’ 3 houses over, thereby alerting anybody of danger. An intruder could have your way with you, flip you over and go for seconds without your cat having the decency to even look bored. And for the record, your average Chihuahua is such a tiny bundle of neurotic inferiority complex that they will face down much larger dogs simply out of principle. Sure, they’ll get eaten in one bite, but a Chihuahua will be goddamned if he’s gonna show that douche-hat pit bull down the street any fear.) But don’t tell that to a cat owner. A cat owner will happily tell you of that one time THEIR cat single-handedly saved them and their family from a pack of rabid wolves when they were out vacationing in The Poconos.
And finally, cats have no concept of loyalty. They simply have no idea what that means. While the interwebs are full of stories of dogs faithfully standing by their masters’ graves after they’ve passed away, a cat would not change his routine if his whole family was abducted in the middle of the night and replaced with Russian spies. If cats could talk they would gladly tell a stranger your social security number and your bank account password if he thought he could get a little food out of the deal. To put it bluntly, cats just don’t give a fuck. Every time you come home a dog will greet you like he hasn’t seen you in years. A dog is genuinely ecstatic to see you. A dog wants to know how your day was, and if you would like play for a bit, if you’re not too tired of course, and if not then that’s ok, he understands, anyhoo he’s so glad to see you! A cat won’t even turn to look at you when you walk thru the door and is probably thinking what is taking you so long to fill his food bowl. Oh you were gone? Didn’t notice, now hurry up and give me some Meow-Mix, you fat whore. That’s what cats think. Just so you know. But don’t tell that to a cat owner. A cat owner will tell you that THEIR cat is the most loving, caring creature in god’s green earth. Their cat only wants to cuddle and hug them in their sleep.
So yeah, I will never understand cats or their owners. So for those of you out there that still insist on keeping these dumb, useless, traitorous little bastards as pets do yourselves a favor and get yourselves a nice Beagle. Or maybe even a Chihuahua. Just make sure it doesn’t know about the pit bull down the street.